indian marriage versus american

by Stuti Wankhede
Arrange marriage versus love marriage, has been a all time favorite talk for some readers. Coming from the Indian asian perspective of point, It is exciting and interesting to write on this topic. This article is written much more in a conversational type.

From my experience it would be wonderful to share some insights to my thoughts on this.

Arranged Marriage in India is very different...in a proper rich indian culture..when the marriage is arranged between two individuals, the two individuals dont normally date each other till the day they get married...this is in the case of proper Indian culture that still exists today in most families whose hertiage is very indian. As for the arranged marriages that take place like that, it is bound that both man and woman united in the marital bond remain with each other till the end. Indian culture in some families is strictly followed where there is place for 'no divorce'. Which is a point noted to be 'Positive' for today..

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I have been brought up in a liberal culture that has strong indian heritage attached to it. But as per today, specially the cities in India are following Arranged love marriage or either love marriage.

From my perspective, both the individuals proposed to be married to each other have a right in knowing each other before they get married. It is very important that both have the right and the freedom to know the likes and dislikes of each other, so that after marriage they dont get a shock of their life, when they come to know the differences that they have between each other. Sometimes in arranged marriages that can be a case, where woman probably suffers more than man, because it is male dominant factor. This can be really pressurizing and has a nasty end too. And so, before marriage understanding each other is very important.

Secondly, there has to be attraction and love between marriage, some times arranged marriage can be quoted as, 'Just Producing without Love'. It is one of those things, that you can still have a physical intimate relationship without love. I think that is one of the must things to be understood. Understanding how much are both individuals attracted to each other..and accepting each other as they are.

In both the Marriages, whether it is arranged marriage or love marriage it is very important for both the individuals just to have that discernment and belief ' Are they right for each other'? and the second question will be, "Can I survive and enjoy with this man and woman till the end"?....

For me being an Asian Indian, I follow Love arranged marriage or Love marriage to make it more simple and that means following the given rules which are: knowing a person,understanding their attributes, strengths and weaknesses, getting that person introduced to the family, getting accepted by the persons family, and if everything looks and sounds good...is getting married to the person of your dreams.

According to my point of view, Love marriage is what most people are going in for now, because they are comfortable choosing their own life partners and than introducing them to the concerned family...I think Love Marriage is good, because it just allows to two individuals to make a decision and that is right...rather than the whole family or friends making a decision for them...because in the end they are the ones who are going to live with each other...

Only one thing I propose in Love Marriage is, "advices should be well come from the elders who are aware of who we are dating"...since some times love marriage blindly can lead to a very bad end too.

Arranged marriage is a method of marriage that was done a long time ago. But, even in the new millennium, there are countries still practicing it. The parents have the right to select a wife or a husband of their son and daughter. Parents of both parties meet and talk about their daughter and son's future marriage. It is for the happiness of parents that they could find the right husband for their daughter or vice versa. The parents are the one dating instead of their children. They meet so often to talk about the arrangement. After the marriage arrangement is set, next is the meeting of the son and daughter before the wedding. This is the first meeting of the son and daughter; therefore, introduction should be done for both parties. With this meeting, all other arrangement are made, especially the wedding date. Wedding day has come, families and relatives and neighbors of both are present. After the wedding, the couple either they will stay with their parents or they will go and live themselves and start a family. Then the courtship will start for the couple, who just got married. This is the time for them to know each other. This kind of marriage, to some works, in some doesn't; split up or we call it divorce starts,when they won't get along.

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Love marriage is the most common trend now, where the son and daughter are the one deciding on their marriage because of their love to each other. Sometimes, parents do not know that their son or daughter is already married. The courtship varies in some ways; some do it longer, some in a very short time. Sometimes they live together for years and have children, before they get marry. Some, after they meet and talk for a short time, they get marry. Those who have a longer courtship, keep their marriage, those that marry right away ended in divorce. Somehow, there are advantage and disadvantage, whether courtship before the marriage is longer or short, bad things happened and resulted to divorce.

The fact is, nothing perfect on marriage, whether marriage is arranged or marriage is for love, it will end anyway in some for the better, some for the worst Remember, during the ceremony, the vow is in the name of God to accept this marriage, why not do it for the better; make the most of it, enjoy and have family. Keep the family together for the sake of the children.

My marriage was arranged, by my parents to a man who was a distant relative.
I was in fact very young when they decided this for me, and hey, I have to be honest, I wasn't exactly a good sport about it at the time.
Arranged marriage is common in our culture, and especially common in our family. As someone, who has seen many sides to arranged marriages, and have also seen a few soles that wanted to take a different road, I think I have a decent amount of knowledge on the subject.

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There are many things that I agree and disagree with. But as this article will state in the following paragraphs, I do in fact agree with arranged marriages. But, for many people this may be something that is a little hard to take in, because, well, my religion comes into it quite a lot.
The typical scenario that many have heard within the Pakistani community in particular is that when a girl reaches the further end of her puberty years her parents would prefer for her to be married. For a boy, it would be, when of course he is able to support a wife; and bearing in mind that men are quite exploratory creatures, and that in Islam pre marital relations is a sin, the parents of the boy would probably steer him towards financially supporting himself as soon as he can.
To start with I must say that I myself never saw my husband until a few days before I married him. I was scared, nervous, and most of all quite angry with my parents for wanting me to leave the home at such a young age. I had no idea who he was, and what he was like and as I was quite smart in school, I was annoyed that my passion for education would come to a sudden halt for someone I didn't even know.
My husband's mother came to meet my family a few years before, requesting my hand in marriage for her son, and my parents decided after some discussion to accept. I was told immediately, butt as I was too young to get married at the time, my mother made sure I knew it would happen in the years to come, and that I didn't have to worry about it right then.
I was aware, but not worried, the fights and arguments started when my parents decided that we would go to Pakistan in a few weeks to get me married. I was young, I had no idea about anything to do with a marriage, and with my mum's input i slowly started realising this is something I don't want to be part of. The main issue being that I would have to move to Pakistan, which is something that even my family were unfamiliar with.
Eventually when I saw my husband for the first time, I did in fact make a complete fool of myself; I was shy, and he was huge! I was a girl and he was a man. There are 10 years between me and my husband, and to be honest all I had was doubt in my mind that he would not be able to give me what I wanted. Being an army officer and staying away, leaving me with my in-laws was not something I wanted particularly well.

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Of course when I married him I didn't love him, but because of the situation I was in a position to at least be nice to him, and I was. Lucky for me he was too. We spent weeks together, being very vague, quite distant and well basically just taking our time to get to know each other. I left Pakistan a few weeks later and I was actually glad to do so. He was a nice man, but I wanted to go home.
Whilst in England apart from the fact that many narrow minded people did nothing but sneer at me and my family and casted us off as 'backward'; for some awkwardly mysterious reason I started to miss my husband. I wanted to be with him again, and I was curious to know more about him, and within months I was desperate to get back to him.
To cut a long story short, it took me a year to fall in love with him, 6 months to have our first argument, my son to be born, for me to realise that I don't want anyone else but my husband, and two years for me to stop hating parents for doing this to me.

There were many things that were done against my will, even after I got married, by my husband, but what I learnt from everything that I have seen, is that no matter what happens, if your intentions are good, and your mind is not evil, you will overcome anything.
Yes, I admit, my parents not exactly asking me but telling me was wrong. But I know now that they always knew better for me than I knew for myself. I was mature I understood absolutely everything about everything that I wasn't supposed to understand. My parents noticed that I was aware of a side of life that is actually something that they couldn't accept their daughter being a apart of (dating and intimacy with a boy). Because of the outside influence that my mother especially was aware of, they knew it wouldn't be long before I started breaking the rules and going against my religion. All my friends had boy friends, and all the justifications that they had for their actions seemed to make some sort of sense to me.
My parents job is to protect me from all evil, and to marry me off happily and securely, they took action, (quite vast action), but action none the less.
It was a tearful, rough, and emotional journey, but I survived it, and now I am happy, and to me I think that I am currently taking in my rewards for being good. I now have two beautiful boys, who annoy me to the core each day, but make me so happy with each smile that they give. I am comfortable and happy with my husband, even through the current situation of not actually liking the place which I am living. And most importantly I have the respect and blessings of my parents who appreciate the 'easy' ride that I gave them compared to what they see around them every day.
To sum up my views on arranged marriages; it is obvious to everyone that life is hard. No matter what route you take, everyone has their fair share of rough times. For people who trust in their parents to make a good decision for them; it is often proved that they will eventually succeed, even if difficulty remains for longer than you ever imagined, there is always a much worse place that you could be in.
And as for arranged versus love. Well my marriage was' arranged, and I am now still' in love. This to me is all by the grace of God.



by Rozilawati Kasran
Arranged Marriage:
A marriage that happens as a result of a mediation by someone for two strangers to meet with the intention to be married.

Love Marriage:
A marriage that happens as a result of a full fledged relationships between two individuals to consumate their love.

For many years, I am a great believer of Love Marriage. I believe that marriage should be the result of a love relationship and not vice versa. My justification? How can two strangers be bounded by a relationship that entails responsibilities and risks? How can two strangers live together for the purpose of procreation? How can two strangers be married?

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Of late, I have been enlightened.

One of my colleagues is in an arranged marriage. She was twenty four when she was married to an established thirty year old accountant. A teacher and an accountant? A workable arrangement. They met a month before their engagement party - a year before their wedding. The one year they had was not an opportunity to know each other better. It was just a period for the man to find a suitable house. They were very much a stranger on their nuptial night. It has been six years now and they have three children. My colleague is very much in love with her husband. Recently, he had to go to Dubai for two weeks and she nearly went berserk missing him. It was the first time they were separated. Upon his return, she went wild with happiness and as a result, is now pregnant with their fourth child.

This is not the only story.

There is a cousin who could not find a suitable man for herself. She let herself be the choice of her mother's friend for a daughter-in-law. They got married and had two children before her husband died in an accident. It has been thirteen years since his death and she is still not married. There has been a few introductions, even by her mother-in-law but she has not interest. Why? She cannot love any other man. She still loves her husband.

There are many others.

How can two strangers be bounded by a relationship that entails responsibilities and risks? I believe now that the answer lies in the parties concerned. If these two individuals are responsible and committed parties, then the marriage would not only work but would be successful. It does not matter if they are strangers.

I have heard of many instances of men and women who quit their marriages because of irreconciliable differences. They had married because of love.

How can two strangers live together for the purpose of procreation? I believe now that if their purpose is to procreate, then it is much holier than those who had sex for pleasure and wondered why they became parents afterwards. At least, for the former, they know why they had children.

How can two strangers be married? Apparently even for many lovers, they do not really know their partners well. I have heard so many complaints about how "he has changed so much...he doesn't send me flowers any more..." or "..I never knew she is like this...".

At this point where I stand, love marriage should not be over hyped and arranged marriage should not be under estimated.

by Michael Padbury
I believe that arranged marriages are a faulty idea and disagree with this principle. I believe that people should have the right to choose their own mate. It is their husband/wife and they deserve to choose who they would like to spend the rest of their life with. I fully support "love marriages" and believe it is often the best choice to pick a mate.

I believe that arranged marriages are a bad option because it is not the child, but the parents who decide on a mate for the child to spend the rest of their life with. They may not do an accurate job of picking a spouse or may put too much emphasis on characteristics that may not matter to the child. Love marriages offer more freedom and independence in the choice of a mate. Parents should have a say in their child's prospective partner but not make the choice by themselves. They must learn to trust their child's judgment to pick a suitable spouse. Also for people who would not like to get married because of their career or other issues, arranged marriages offer no accommodations.

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Love marriages also do an accurate job of facing problems such as beliefs and religion. Many people have different opinions about the importance religion is in a spouse and choose accordingly. If a person thinks that belonging to the same religion is important than they will date and look for that characteristic in a spouse, if they do not, then they won't put a huge emphasis on religion. I would not put a huge emphasis on religion because I am not very religious.

There are many disadvantages to arranged marriages that I disagree with. The most notable is the inability to pick a partner. Your parents are allowed full control in picking your spouse. If you try, and cannot get along with your spouse, divorce is not an option because of the negative stigma and shame that ensues on your family. Occasionally an arranged marriage turns out horribly wrong. In one case a woman what wed to a man in America with a live-in girlfriend. The woman had to adjust to the situation and after she found it too difficult, she committed suicide.

Despite the high divorce rate in love marriages, I believe that it is still the best option. People deserve the right to choose their own spouse and in my opinion, do a suitable job choosing one. We are able to make all of the other choices in other areas of life (jobs, school), so I do not understand why some believe that it is right to take away our freedom of choice of love. The love aspect of marriage cannot be underestimated and to force it on someone you wouldn't normally in a spouse is wrong.